All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.