All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I am never leaving this website
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
then why did i get this email
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Love this one 😂🧟