All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
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Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!