All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
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“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool