all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
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When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
same bro
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.