*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
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A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”