me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
All rooms are panic rooms if there is no iPhone charger
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Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake