If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
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HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
My safe word is Worcestershire
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.