All rooms are panic rooms if there is no iPhone charger

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me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England



Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.


Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.


My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium


Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely


Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?


Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?


the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake