All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
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Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.