All set.
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Breaking news:
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey