@AmishPornStar1

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

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@uMakeMeBad

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

@TravLeBlanc

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

@alyssalimp

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

@seancehat

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

@AsgardianRose

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

@pplwtching

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

@DothTheDoth

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

@weinerdog4life

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

@Jake_Vig

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

@susie_qsie

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.