At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
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“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.