All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
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Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
welcome back
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.