All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
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I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I didn’t realize that was an option
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
plant them where lol
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.