Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
birds and squirrels envy us
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.