*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
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I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to