@BuckyIsotope

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

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@isabelzawtun

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

@moist_jeff

I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.

@ImSoFrancis

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

@MelissaJoy33

I’m sorry your husband of 50 yrs is dead.

Here is a casserole made with Campbells Soup.

~White people.

@Brampersandon_

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u’d never ask

@MarfSalvador

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

@HomeProbably

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

@FinallyHeSleeps

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.