@radtoria
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
@BuckyIsotope
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
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@radtoria
@meganamram
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
@causticbob
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
@mommajessiec
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
@jonnysun
spider-man, spidre-man,.
does watever a spider can:
has two legs., he can talk.
wat kind of spider bit this guy
@ZachXJ
I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO
@PleaseBeGneiss
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
@goldengateblond
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
@CarolinaSong
Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head
@Parentpains
Follow your dreams, into traffic.