my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
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Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
does watever a spider can:
has two legs., he can talk.
wat kind of spider bit this guy
I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head
Follow your dreams, into traffic.