*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
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poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Haha! 😂
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
😅😅😅
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
absolutely not
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.