Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
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Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock
me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too
date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?
me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary
[i get a phone call]
“Hi we’d like to talk to you about your tweets”
ME: Wow thank you but I don’t do interviews
“This is the police”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.