My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
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Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.