Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
You Might Also Like
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I hope it’s French Onion!