Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
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‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Someday I’m gonna miss this place. I can’t wait for that day
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
– traveling zombies
I’m that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.