All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
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My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Buck naked
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”