@IamEnidColeslaw

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

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@TYrannosaurus

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

@NicestHippo

*notices zipper is down*
OMG!
*zips it up*
FRIEND: Thanks but next time just tell me and I’ll do it myself

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

@wittwitbarista

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

@OllyiConic

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

@bvinson23

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

@batkaren

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.