me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
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[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?