All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
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Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
s
oc
i
a
l
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Everyone in the gym on January 1st