All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
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Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
absolutely not
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.