All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
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HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.