My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
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Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea