@turbolazers

All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey

– The Mamas and the Papas

All the leaves are grey, and the sky is grey

– Dogs

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@singseveninrain

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

@NaomiSeu

I walked almost all the way home before remembering that I’d driven to work, if you want to know how I’ve been walking those 10,000 steps everyday.

@Home_Halfway

How about a new eco-friendly car that is powered only by uncomfortable conversation

@thedad

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

@NicestHippo

Emperor Sleepoleon, we urge you to change your name to appear less lazy to your people.
Oui, I shall dial it back, BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY

@GroovyTasia

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

@ObscureGent

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

@Browtweaten

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

@JohnLyonTweets

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

@randypaint

the bachelor: i will date twenty four other women in front of ur face

contestant: ok

the bachelor: u can’t get jealous tho

contestant: i mean i feel like i might get jealous

the bachelor: lol ok katie

contestant: it’s jennifer