HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
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I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
same vibe as tangled headphones
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.