Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
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putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Mmmm. Shoeshi
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????