@myles_morrison

All the people that tried partying ’til the cows come home, are either stuck at home with a cow or dead from alcoholism.

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@ElleOhHell

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

@ShortSleeveSuit

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

@amanda_c_rae

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

@curlycomedy

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

@WilliamRodgers

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

@1followernodad

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

@susie_dent

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

@Dutch_50

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”