All the people that tried partying ’til the cows come home, are either stuck at home with a cow or dead from alcoholism.

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The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons


WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*


Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired


You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.



Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.


ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.


Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.


Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”