Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
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In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
rise and shine we got egg
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”