Confuse vegetarians by cutting vegetables into animal shapes.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
funny when u get charged by a cash machine to get ur own cash out but then it tells u to cover ur pin to prevent getting robbed.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
The first judge ever was like “When I’m done talking I’ll pound my desk with a hammer” and we were all “Ok that’s not insane”
“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– spaghetti at your in-laws