@JennyJohnsonHi5

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

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@DickMarcs

Confuse vegetarians by cutting vegetables into animal shapes.

@TheDizzyBeauty

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

@LoveNLunchmeat

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

@myss_you_too

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

@rezox

funny when u get charged by a cash machine to get ur own cash out but then it tells u to cover ur pin to prevent getting robbed.

@bobvulfov

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

@NicestHippo

The first judge ever was like “When I’m done talking I’ll pound my desk with a hammer” and we were all “Ok that’s not insane”

@tree_bro

“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.

@Weird_Rash

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws