All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
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A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.