All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
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I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
lol
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
それは草
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded