All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

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Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.


My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.


*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*



DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.


Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!


DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
DORA: “I like that part too.”


It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest


if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to