Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
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My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
DORA: “I like that part too.”
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
if only there was a better name