@MavenofHonor

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

You Might Also Like

@iBrowniEd

Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.

@daddydoubts

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

@Rollinintheseat

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

@ericsshadow

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

@70Ceeks

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

@donni

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

@MindyFurano

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to