Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥