The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
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Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.