him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
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Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.