@birbigs

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

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@OrangeFact

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

@WineMummy

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

@SteveToyne

‘I’m Spartacus’

‘No I’m Spartacus’

‘I am Spartacus’

‘I AM Spartacus’

‘I’m Spartacus’

‘Look I just need someone to sign for the package’

@moneybreton

Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken

@GrantTanaka

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

@Bearslietoo

A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.

@blade_funner

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

@MooseAllain

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.