he’s so proud of his haul.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
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If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
‘No I’m Spartacus’
‘I am Spartacus’
‘I AM Spartacus’
‘Look I just need someone to sign for the package’
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.