All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
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[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
oppen heimer style lol
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Can’t, holding a grudge