All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
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My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?