@rickolantern

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

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@GrillinChillin9

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

@SufficientCharm

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

@Darlainky

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

@chunkbardey

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

@visionbored2

the best mornings start with heat between my legs

coffee it’s coffee on my lap

@AndrewChamings

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

@CourageDR

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

@LostCatDog

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown