All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
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Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road