Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
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*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Dad: I called but got VM, where were you?
Me: Outside smoking a brisket.
Dad: Why? Did the price of tobacco go up?
Me: Bye, Dad.
Me sharing with my toddler: ‘here honey have some of my cookie. In fact have it all’
My toddler sharing with me: *hands me one crumb then screams because she wants it back*
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
my son would be amazed if I showed him a first generation iPod because we’ve never met
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
“Hey Frosty, calm down on the snacks. You’re getting fat. Check out this six pack! You could do laundry on it!”
– the Abdominal Snowman
Cow it started Cow it’s going