I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.