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@SomeChrisTweets

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

@Pro_Jones_

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

@BuckyIsotope

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

@pissrifle

this is ur brain *an egg* this is drugs *a frying pan* this is ur brain on drugs *egg & frying pan wearing sunglasses*

@BunAndLeggings

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

@HeyJennyLeone

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

@JasonLight73

If the camera adds 10 lbs. & Mirrors don’t lie..Why in the World would a Woman ever take her picture in the bathroom mirror? It defies logic

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.