fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
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Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Just a reminder, folks:
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Poetry is my passion
me irl
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…