@wickedsuga

All the world does is try to tear us apart.

-me to my bed every morning

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@aimlessamers

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

@andyerikson

Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?

@aka_fatman

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

@aparnapkin

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

@ShittingtonUK

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …

Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”

Husband: …think it’s true.”

Me: …
Husband: …

@qwertying

Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice?

The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?

@KKBowls

“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.

@deadstick_ron

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

@thcmoonmvn

Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.