Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends
Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
All the world does is try to tear us apart.
-me to my bed every morning
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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”
– Vader & therapist
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …
Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”
Husband: …think it’s true.”
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice?
The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.