Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
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What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.