All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
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They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.