My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
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“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”