Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
You Might Also Like
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My wedding will be open casket.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids: