@pahtch

all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.

You Might Also Like

@YourMomsucksTho

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

@ninatreemonkey

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

@peachgrenade

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: dad how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be yourself

me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working

@taps0420

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

@caseytduncan

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

@WilliamAder

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

@Ristolable

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

@Shade510

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist: