all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.

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In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.


me: dad how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be yourself

me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working


I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time


Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.


There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.


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* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.