How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.
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Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
its macaroni and cheese not macaroni and steve
me: dad how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be yourself
me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?
Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.