@pahtch

all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.

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@that1bish27

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

@armyVet1972

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

@jngraphs

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

@squirrel74wkgn

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

@Sarcasticsapien

It’s like the TSA doesn’t even care relationships end cause we can’t run through the airport and stop someone from getting on a plane.

@FilthyRichmond

A box of Cadbury creme eggs just propositioned me. Now we’re in a van together.

@david8hughes

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

@KylePlantEmoji

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

@longwall26

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

@croninwhocares

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God