All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
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Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa