All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
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It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.