All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
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If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.