I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
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Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Bro what is this
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
my proudest tweet
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
He a real one for that
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.