All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
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Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
bugs when you lift up a rock
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me