@MegsHAUSTED

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

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@librarianfonz

Growing up in a household dominated by females, you learn:

1. The importance of listening
2. 101 euphemisms for “the monthly visitor”

@showshowpod

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

@iwearaonesie

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

@RamblingMachine

A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.

@david8hughes

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

@LoveNLunchmeat

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

@robin_991

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…