Growing up in a household dominated by females, you learn:
1. The importance of listening
2. 101 euphemisms for “the monthly visitor”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
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harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…