All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.